Perfect

Perfect

  By

  Kathleen Hayes

  *****

  PUBLISHED BY

  Perfect

  Copyright © 2013 by Kathleen Hayes

  Thank you for downloading this free eBook. You are welcome to share it with your friends. This book may be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete original form, with the exception of quotes used in reviews.

  Your support and respect for the property of this author is appreciated.

  This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or places, events or locales is purely coincidental. The characters are productions of the author’s imagination and used fictitiously.

  *****

  Dedicated to Amilyn.

  Thank you so much for sticking around despite the long wait.

  *****

  PERFECT

  *****

  January 1, 2013

  It was January 1st. I always went out to visit my spot on the first of the year. At first it was to hope things would somehow get better, that somehow the next year would not be as hopeless and lonely as the year that had just ended. Then, it was to remember, and take a moment to give thanks.

  It was a little after nine in the morning, and the snow had just started to fall, though the not quite freezing temperature meant nothing was sticking to the ground. I rounded the corner from 37th St to Prospect St and made the decision that it wasn't too icy to take the Exorcist steps, which would cut about five minutes off my walk. I smiled briefly to myself, thinking of the first time I had seen The Exorcist. Jesse had been horrified that I hadn’t seen it, and brought it to one of our early movie nights. Despite all the changes in the area, you could still recognize a lot of the places in Georgetown that were used to film it.

  It was a short walk down to the banks of the Potomac River, and before long, I was picking my way through the grass to the slight cliff that overlooks the water. I love open space, heights and water. There is just not much of that in Washington, DC – at least not within walking distance of school – so when I discovered this little outcropping, I made it my place. If there isn’t much traffic, I can close my eyes, sit with my feet dangling off the edge and listen to the waters of the Potomac race by as the wind plays with my hair.

  This year, when I sat down, there was no despair in my heart – only joy and hope for a wonderful year. As I looked at the tiny snowflakes dancing their way down to the water, I thought about Jesse. This was where I had first met him.

  Five Years Ago

  I woke up with a pounding head and a roiling in my stomach telling me that whatever I had done at the party last night was not my friend. Apparently, I’d fallen asleep in my clothes. Tights – which had been ripped to shreds at some point, a too short skirt, and a too low cut tank top looked even worse the morning after. I knew it was a mistake. The few people from my dorms who didn’t go home for the holidays had decided to go out on New Year’s Eve and had insisted that I come along. I had convinced myself that, if I could just act normal, then maybe I would start to feel normal. All it did was make me feel worse. And leave me with a hangover from hell.

  I stumbled into the bathroom, briefly noticing that my roommate, Kira, had not come home I tried to avoid looking at myself in Kira's mirror hanging on the door, but, unfortunately, my eyes were drawn to the reflection staring out at me. As always, it felt like I was looking at someone else.

  The image that stared out at me was of a short, curvy girl with long, brown hair, decent-sized boobs and an adorably round face. Brilliant green eyes reflected in a face more suited to an actress than a wreck like me. I’d always been told that I was beautiful but I hated my reflection.

  It hurt to look at myself. My soul screamed of the wrongness and my heart broke with not being able to fix it. I felt a lump form in my throat and hot tears fell down my cheeks. Through blurred eyes I watched as my hand reached for my shirt and pulled it over my head. My hands moved as if possessed by a will not my own. My left hand reached behind me and undid the clasp of my bra allowing it fall to the floor.

  My breath locked in my chest as I watched my fingers crawl over my skin towards my breasts. With rapt fascination I stared as my fingernails dug into the skin and raked over the useless bags of flesh that had tormented me ever since they appeared. Pain shot through me, deep and sharp. Blood began pool and drip from four lines across each breast. The intensity of the pain drove the tears from my eyes, and I looked at myself with clearly once again.

  It that moment, I was shocked back into my own body. Oh God. What had I just done? I collapsed on the floor in despair and sobbed into my bloody hands until I thought my heart would cease beating in my chest and I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this anymore.

  I started at that thought – not because it felt wrong, but because for just a moment it felt almost perfect. If only I could just stop breathing, everything wouldn’t hurt so damn much. After a moment of indecision, I made a choice. I locked myself away in an unused corner of my mind and let my body continue on autopilot. It knew how to take a shower and get dressed.

  About half an hour later, I found myself approaching my spot over-looking the Potomac. As I walked, I wondered if it would be better to hit rocks on the way down and pass out or to hit the water directly and allow myself to drown. I was so lost in thought that I didn't realize that someone else was there until I was almost at the edge.

  He was sitting on the other side of the cliff, facing the water. His eyes were closed and his face was turned into the wind. His dark hair whipped around his face, a tendril flicking over his small smile. Peace radiated from him like heat from a camp fire.

  A fierce pang shot through my heart as I watched him. I would never have that. There was nothing in my life making me miserable. It was just me. I had no hope of ever experiencing that kind of contentment. I almost turned around and left but I figured that since I had made my decision, I would just wait him out. I turned to sit on the far edge of the cliff and situated myself to stare out at the opposite bank until the intruder left.

  I surreptitiously watched him out of the corner of my eyes until I saw him open his eyes and start at the sight of me. His small smile turned into a brilliant grin for a brief moment before he stood up and came to sit by me. A wave of despair and anger flowed through me – would he never leave?

  “Hi, I’m Jesse.”

  I shifted my eyes to look at him without turning my head and proceeded to ignore him, hoping he would just go away. Instead he just leaned back on his hands and settled in, staring at the water once more. A burning in my chest tightened and I wanted to cry out in anguish. I just wanted to end it all – jump into the flowing water below and allow it steal my breath and my pain. And this stranger wouldn’t let me get on with it.

  It was too much and the tears I had been holding at bay began to stream down my face. I must have made a noise of some sort because Jesse startled out of his reverie and looked over at me. I was embarrassed that he saw me crying, but felt a small amount of hope that perhaps it would scare him off and leave me to myself.

  But he just gave me an unfathomable look, leaned over, and wrapped one arm around my shoulder. It shattered me. It had been so long since anyone touched me with any kind intent. I held my breath in an attempt to keep it all inside, but I was in too many pieces and it all broke through. Wracking sobs seized my entire body. I pulled my knees up and curled down around them as I tried to breathe through the painful weeping. Through the entire thing, Jesse kept his arm around my shoulders and didn’t say anything.

  Eventually I was hollow. There was nothing left inside. We sat there for a few more minutes – me with tears drying on my face, and him with his arm still draped over my
shoulder. For once in my life I was utterly baffled by someone other than myself. I wiped my face on my sleeve and shrugged my shoulders to displace his arm.

  After a few more moments of silence, he finally spoke again, “You wanna talk about it?”

  “No.”

  He nodded and seemed to make a decision. “Okay, then. You wanna come back to my dorm and watch Gerard Butler beat the ever-living crap out of some Persians?”

  I snorted before I could stop myself. I gave him a sideways glance and I was met with smiling eyes that matched the smile on his face. Somehow Jesse’s look sent a measure of warmth into the hollowness I was. I found myself saying yes before I realized I had even opened my mouth.

  “Cool. I’m in Village C East.” He stood then, and held out a hand to help me up.

  We walked the fifteen minutes back to the dorm in silence that was, shockingly enough, not at all awkward. However, all that awkward crashed down on my head when we reached his door. My brain started running 150 miles per hour. I was going to watch a movie, alone, in a strange boy’s dorm room. From our interaction up to this point, he didn’t seem like a killer, or a rapist, or any of those things they warn you about in freshman orientation. But, how could I really know?

  I must have paused in the doorway, because he turned towards me and suddenly he looked as awkward I felt.

  “Umm. Here, I have two chairs. You can pick which one you want. I just want you to feel comfortable. I promise I’m not a creepster. I have a sister. She’s 16 years old. I would want someone to be nice to her, and you seem like you need someone to be nice to you.” He barely took a breath between sentences as he seemed to get more and more nervous that I would think something bad about him. As he was talking, he pulled the chairs to face the television, but with about three feet of space between them. By the time the chairs were set up, Jesse had run out of breath and turned a bit red in the face.

  I tentatively waved my arm in his direction and tried to reassure him, “It’s fine. The chairs are fine.” He smiled and nodded at me before taking the chair on the left.

  Two hours later the chairs had inched together so we could share some popcorn, and both our feet were propped up on one of the desks. It was the most fun I had had in months, maybe even years. Maybe the feeling would last if I could just avoid looking in mirrors or thinking too hard.

  As I got up to go back to my dorm room, which was, thankfully, just across the courtyard, my newfound calm was shattered.

  My hand was on the door knob when Jesse asked, “Wait. What’s your name?”

  I hate my name and I am sure some of that revulsion showed on my face. He looked shocked. I sighed with resignation. “My name is Lisa. But please don’t call me that. I hate it.”

  “What do you want me to call you?” My heart beat just a little faster at the idea that we would be seeing each other enough that he would need something to call me, but I didn’t even take a moment to try to figure out why.

  “I don’t know. No one’s ever asked me before.”

  “How about Li? That could be short for Lisa, but not…” He trailed off and looked flustered.

  “Yeah. That works.” I said it quickly, so that he could stop being uncomfortable, and tried to smile at him. I’m not sure how well it worked but he shook himself and walked towards me.

  He held out his hand and said, “Hi Li. I’m Jesse. Nice to meet you.” I shook his hand, gave him one last sort of smile, and fled the room.

  ***

  A few days later, in the cafeteria, Jesse plopped down across the table and grinned at me.

  “Hey Li, how’s it goin’?”

  I stared disbelieving at him for a moment. He acted like we were friends. I didn’t have friends. I barely even talked to my family. I shook my head a bit and firmly ignored the tightening in my chest.

  “Okay. You?”

  “Awesome. I just got back this exam and I did way better than I thought I would. Calculus is kicking my ass.” He kept talking after that, but it just flowed over me. I basked in what must be a normal lunch for most people. He talked about his classes, and a club he was a member of and his sister, Kayla. I must have done a good job of smiling and nodding in all the right places for a while, at least until he just stopped and stared at me.

  “What’s that look for?” he asked me.

  “What look?” I replied a little defensively.

  “You look all confused at me.”

  It made sense, seeing as I was confused. How could he just sit there and be normal with when he had seen me when I was about kill myself. I shook slightly as I thought that word. I tried to make that come out of my mouth and failed.

  “How are you all normal after…after…” I paused, struggling. I settled on, “how we met?”

  He turned serious all the sudden, and I wished I hadn’t said anything. I lowered my head in shame and stared at the table, begging my eyes not to cry in front of Jesse, again.

  I felt the shock of cold fingers against the skin of my wrist. My head snapped up and my eyes met his. For the first time I noticed they were a deep and complicated shade of hazel.

  “I don’t know what that was all about on Friday and I don’t need you to tell me unless you want to.”

  It dawned on me that he probably didn’t realize I had gone there to jump off the cliff. I started to shake my head. I tried to speak over the lump in my throat. The struggle must have been clear on my face because he sat back, grabbed a napkin and handed it to me.

  “Hey, I’m sorry. Here was not the place. Just take a deep breath, wipe your eyes and I’ll tell you all about our options for what movie to watch on Friday until you’re ready to leave. Okay, don’t cry. I’m sorry.”

  He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and made a visible effort to curb what I realized was stress babbling. I was bewildered by his understanding and kindness, but nodded my head in agreement. By the time he had finished delineating our movie options (Heath Ledger acting the fool, Leonardo DiCaprio being overly dramatic or Gerard Butler, again, just being generally hot), I was able to smile, agree to another Gerard Butler flick, and walk out of the cafeteria like a normal person.

  Just before we parted ways at the exit, I turned to Jesse, did my best to put everything I was feeling on my face and quietly said, “Thank you.”

  His smile shone out of his entire face before he waved, said, “See you Friday,” and walked down the path towards his dorm.

  ***

  By Friday afternoon, the scratches I had made on myself the week before were almost completely healed. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror as I prepared myself to go to Jesse’s. For a moment, the swirling darkness of the week before threatened to take over me again. I could feel myself – the part of me that felt real – trying to separate itself from what the mirror was showing me. The weight of breasts and hair and hips felt like they were dragging me to the ground. I didn’t know what it meant, except that the person looking back at me was not me.

  I leaned onto the sink and tried to breathe through the pain in my chest. Finally, I closed my eyes and turned away from my reflection. I was determined not to be a basket case when I showed up at Jesse’s tonight. I plastered a smile on my face and hoped that, by the end of the evening, it might even be a real one.

  When I walked out of the bathroom and started getting dressed to go out, Kira looked at me.

  “Got a hot date?”

  “What?! No. I’m just going to watch a movie with Jesse.” I was shocked. I hadn’t once thought of Jesse like that.

  “Is Jesse a boy or a girl?”

  “Boy.”

  “Then it’s a date.”

  “Girls and boys can be friends.” And now that I thought about it, with the way Jesse was obsessed with Gerard Butler, I said, “And besides, I think he’s gay.”

  “Oh, okay then.” She sounded a bit disappointed with that. “Well have fun.”

  “Thanks. You too.”

  I think that was more words th
an Kira and I had ever spoken to one another in all our previous encounters combined.

  By the time I reached Jesse’s room, I had worked myself into a right state. I kept flashing back to high school and how horrible I felt whenever people talked about dating. I never seemed to fit anywhere. Somehow, hearing other’s “normal” conversations just highlighted to myself how wrong I really was.

  I couldn’t help wondering if he did think it was a date. The thought of someone touching me, or expecting anything physical from me made me sick to my stomach.

  As soon as he opened the door, I blurted out my fears before I realized I had even opened my mouth.

  “This isn’t a date, is it?”

  “Umm, no.”

  “Oh, thank God.”

  A slightly offended huff came from Jesse before he said, “I’ll try not to take that personally.” I felt horrible for a moment before I saw him smiling, amusement twinkling in his eyes. “Besides, I’ve already got a girlfriend.”

  “Oooohh,” I said, a little shocked, “but what about…” I waved my hand towards the television, “…umm, Gerard Butler?”